motm.it/images/2019-04-02/3777.php I prayed and pleaded and hoped for pregnancy, wrestling with the disappointment that had come with those used tests, neatly repackaged and discreetly placed in the trash. As I felt my fingers tremble with this evidence of new life within me, I quickly placed the test on the floor for fear the shaking would erase the news that still seemed unreal. Finally, with a heart pounding within my chest, I let out a joyous shout that must have startled my toddler. We left the card on our front porch and waited eagerly for the homecoming. As my husband pulled up to the house and walked toward the card, my heart recognized in his heart a knowledge of its contents.
After reading the card, he opened the front door excitedly and embraced our son and me with happy tears in his eyes. We celebrated without reservation. As the discomfort intensified into evening, a sinking fear crept into my mind. Like a dream without the clear passing of time, early morning came and I was sitting across from an ER doctor, grandfatherly in appearance with a snow-white beard and soft spoken tone, who told me I was miscarrying.
The loss of a baby is the most difficult thing a woman can go through. We smile and create an equally lame and fake response when we run into old friends who ask when we plan on growing our family. It can also be called a delayed or silent miscarriage. You weren't always hurting together. You lost more than you can imagine. Take good care of yourself x.
Amidst the sterility of the medical facility and my own dazed disbelief, there was something startlingly humane in the tender words the doctor used to say any grief experienced over this loss was real and should be honored. As the next few days passed and the miscarriage progressed, I spent a good amount of time weeping, feeling sorrow and then embarrassment.
Would people now feel burdened and inconvenienced to hear of this loss? My grandmother called to tell me of her own miscarriages and how she still missed those babies fifty years later. There were women who had lost babies far later in pregnancy, women who had lost multiple babies, women who had courageously endured years of infertility and they rallied in support of a sister in Christ who needed to feel His love in a tangible and compassionate way.
There were no comparisons, no belittlement, just love. Love, understanding and encouragement that I commemorate a love that did not discriminate based on time and space or even meeting. I received during that time the support all women facing pregnancy loss deserve and so rarely receive. My husband and I would go on to have more children— something we have never taken for granted. Our children remember there is another sibling waiting to meet them. Our friends and family still remember. One dear friend even holds in her heart this baby like a godchild and never ceases to pour out special remembrances.
All this support is why I now embrace the tears that on occasion still brim over my eyelids during the most unlikely of moments. This support is why my family now has the courage to celebrate the day our baby was born into heaven and share with others that we have three children on earth and one with God. True love transcends our understanding. Our souls are made for this kind of ineffable love and even in the midst of great sorrow it can be an awe-inspiring thing to experience. Their lips might be blue. They might have a physical deformity or their eyes might still be closed tight.
But do you know what your friend thinks? She thinks this is the most beautiful baby in the world. This is an actual text message that my friend Melissa sent me after we lost Afton, and it is all kinds of right. But nothing. Thank you for sharing this publicly. You guys are amazing people and even better parents. If you guys need anything, like groceries, dinner, deodorant or Kleenex, will you let us know? No response needed.
That is specific and clear. She wanted to be our Prime Now and Bite Squad — our delivery team. She brought ready-made soups, crackers, bagels and cream cheese, pre-cut fruit, and more. Grief is exhausting and many parents facing loss just do not have the mental strength to even think about what they might need, so if you can help put the pieces together for them, you are lifting a huge burden.
If cooking is your jam, check out the recipes in that series that were our favorite food deliveries from friends. I am still on a kick with those wild rice burgers. After we announced his birth and passing, a few of our friends honored Afton publicly on Facebook and Instagram by writing about him or sharing our pictures and our posts about him. It showed that they were impacted by our son in a deep and profound way. Please keep them in your prayers as they remember, celebrate and grieve their amazing little guy Afton. Bjork is one of the best men, and now fathers, I know.
Has it been one week? Has it been one year? Just text her right now. In my opinion, text messages are better than cards because a why is the post office always miles away, b you can send them every day!
She might not, because sometimes in grief you are overwhelmed with everything, including sending a text message. Cards written to your friend are great, but cards written to my baby are rare, intimate, and incredibly special. My sister wrote a card to Afton on his due date and it is one of my most treasured possessions. It says things like,. You are so precious to us. We got a letter written to Afton from his nurse, and a few other letters to Afton from family members.
I cannot even begin to describe to you how much these words mean to me. Hey, guess what? Just a few days before Afton was born, I had ordered a bunch of new maternity workout-wear. And I had been so excited about it. Of course, the package arrived to our house just a few days after we came home from the hospital. It was painful to look at it laying there on my desk.
Like a ghost of my life from before. Super, super helpful. Sometimes, even though the items might never get worn or used, they have emotional value to us loss moms. One of my most-dreaded things after losing Afton was making small talk in social settings. I would stand there, phsyically present in these conversations, but just completely dead inside. I could not, for the life of me, think of a way to interact properly.
Am I supposed to coo at the baby? Ask something about motherhood? Here comes the mom who just lost her baby — how will she react around other babies and pregnant moms? Answer: awkwardly. This is hard. Please stop looking at me. If you are in a social situation with your friend, you can support her in a big, big way by being aware of how social dynamics might be affecting her. And she needs that space. There are important days in the calendar now that your friend will never, ever forget. The day my baby was born. The day that he died.
The day she was due, the day of the scan, the day there was no heartbeat. Be intentional about reaching out to your friend on these days and even in the days leading up to the day, because sometimes the anticipation is worse. One of my favorite accounts on Instagram, laurelbox , says this:.
Just show up. Just be still. Just listen a lot and say little. Bring coffee and sit on her couch and light a candle and listen. Let her know that her new rhythm is your new rhythm for however long she needs. Always sharing about grief and life and love stuffs on my personal Instagram account, lindsaymostrom.
I also love food photography. I wrote an ebook that can help you learn your camera and I also teach food photography workshops in our Minneapolis studio. Did you make a recipe? Tag pinchofyum on Instagram. Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Notify me of new posts by email. She just did what I needed her to do.
If I spoke about my fears, she would reassure me and help me strengthen my faith. And if I cried, she cried with me. This was most important. The soul heals in its own way. Especially someone who I am desperate to see get better. You, Bjork and Afton are often in my thoughts and prayers. I know that I am a stranger who lives thousands of miles away, but if there is anything I can do in any capacity, please let me know. I feel the exact same way. We just have to have grace for ourselves and others through the whole process, I think.
Grace upon grace upon grace. Thank you for the comment. Thank you. I know being the dad in this situation is way different than being the mom, but thank you.
This is beautiful, and this is needed. I would love to read that post, after and during the journey of my friends losing their baby my girlfriend was surrounded by a really strong support network. It seems that more so girls are better at surrounding themselves by the help they need but people seem to overlook the Dads a bit in these circumstances I found it much harder to know how to show my support to him during this time.
Acknowledge the father and his loss too. People were so focused on comforting me and bringing me gifts, my husband often went unnoticed. And he was even expected to be part of the grief-support team instead of part of the grieving. I sobbed my way through this beautiful post, Lindsay, because love is beautiful.
So much love to you guys, from our loss-family to yours. What a beautifully written article. I needed to hear all of your advice.
These tips are priceless. Thank you so incredibly much for sharing this post and all your posts about sweet Afton, Lindsay. I was so excited for you guys when you announced your pregnancy because you were clearly going to be such amazing parents. There are so many of us out here who adore you, Bjork, and sweet Afton. Sorry for not showing up before.
This is wonderful advice Lindsay. I had two miscarriages, both years ago at 16 weeks both times ; the second miscarriage was twins. I do have two living sons, but I have lost more babies than I have had. Thank you for sharing your pain, your loss, with us. I would have loved to have this insight back then to help her.
I hope you never have a reason to come back to this post again. Thank you so much. Thanks again for sharing this. What a powerful and important piece.
Thank you for your bravery. Lindsay, you are a beautiful soul. Thank you, though, for sharing it with all of us. This is an incredible post with an abundance of good ideas.
In Our Baby, Our Love, Our Loss you will share with the Evans family the emotional, physical, and spiritual roller coaster surrounding the loss of their child at the. Find helpful customer reviews and review ratings for Our Baby, Our Love, Our Loss at vuhywyhynize.tk Read honest and unbiased product reviews from our users.
I love how specific you were. Bookmarking this one asap. Afton is a blessed little boy. Hi Lindsay, I want to thank you for this post. Although I usually come drooling over your food pictures, this post really resonates. My mother lost my two twin brothers when I was just a three year old.
Your advice on remembering the important days is so true. The story slips to the background of our family life but every so often, they are remembered in the little things that matter. Recently my dad gifted my mother a ring.